After the transfer of money to my account of money from my music patron I purchased the car and I also bought a washing machine as that had died too. One thing I remember is that not long after getting my lovely blue car I was trying to park it in a tight spot in a multi storey car park and got so close to a pillar that I ended up pushing a panel in on the passenger door. I was so upset. Easy enough to get sorted but not what you want with a new acquisition such as this especially when it was bought with someone else’s money. I think I’d had it three days. Groan. I wasn’t used to it for sure but I have a vague recollection that I was also slightly hung over on the morning. Oops!
I felt that I ought to visit Max to say thank him for this amazing gift at a time when I needed it so badly and proposed that I would drive up, stop over and come back the next day. I was a little anxious about it mostly because I was conscious that Max was quite obsessed with me. He had always behaved like a perfect gentleman though. I suppose I decided to put my observations and trust to the test. I had by that time known him for for nearly ten years.
I told him my estimated time of arrival and off I drove up to Lancashire.
When I drove into his cul-de-sac he was waiting with the door open. He must have been nervously staring out of the window every few minutes….for hours probably. He flung his door wide and I could hear that he had The Old Swan Band on his stereo system full blast as a form of welcoming committee . He must have been planning this welcome and pressed play at exactly the moment he wanted to to hopefully create the right effect!
His house was a 1950’s modern semi detached house with garden. Inside it was relatively austere with few home comforts. Practical, clean but not ‘lovely’. Definitely what I would have termed a bachelor pad.
We talked – what else were we going to do? I thought it would be nice to find out something about him as I realised I knew nothing really other than the fact he was a physics lecturer .
First he cooked dinner. Boil in the bag roast beaf with gravy, tinned potatoes and some frozen peas. It’s funny the details we remember but then I have always been quite food orientated.
He said he believed he wasn’t the real child of his parents as he was so different from them and his siblings who were all money grubbers. He knew he was Jewish and believed he’d come to England on the ‘kinder’ (child) trains in the war but had never been able to find any documentation to prove it. For some reason the Jewish connection with my family mattered to him. He knew that we were Jewish by decent and said that this made him feel close to my mother, sister and I.
As a development of the conversation I asked him if he had a partner..there were no obvious signs of one. No, no partner and in fact he said he’s never had one. I found this astonishing and so we talked more. He said he was a virgin. At that time I’m guessing he was about 50. He said that he’d had a girl friend once who had undressed in front of him but wouldn’t allow him to touch her. Jesus Christ what was that about! I actually felt both alarmed and very sorry for him. God knows how we’d gotten into such an intimate conversation but it didn’t stop there. He eventually confessed that really he wanted to marry me and lose his virginity with me.
I felt angry and frustrated but mostly with myself. Not Max. I was concerned that somehow my behaviour over the years had given him some kind of hope that that fantasy might become reality . In hindsight I realise now that nothing I could have done other than remove all contact or punch him in the face, would ever have convinced him that I wasn’t the woman for him. He was convinced like an evangelist . None of those dreams were based on reality. I felt cruel having to say to him that my marrying him or having any kind of intimate relationship with him was never ever, ever going to happen . The bit of anger I did feel towards him made me cruel telling him if he wanted to ‘lose his virginity’ there were other ways of sorting that out! He was horrified and it was obvious at that point that if it wasn’t me it wouldn’t happen for him. This wasn’t like some urge that he hoped I’d sort…hence my anger as it made me feel cheap and wonder if he thought he had ‘bought’ me! No this was about an extension of his obsession – or love in his head. Naive love from a very inexperienced man. Off we went to bed and I spent a very restless night . Not because I felt unsafe but just uncomfortable after his confession and knowing he was only a few feet away. Max my Strange, quirky and social misfit fan.
Perhaps it wasn’t the wisest thing to have gone but on the other hand, as I keep saying, awkward he might have been but I had never felt threatened. Some of my friends even thought he was creepy. I often ended up standing up for him principally because at certain points in my life I have felt like a social outcast for one reason or another. I always thought he was ‘harmless’ whilst being kind and generous and I had wanted to say thank you for his incredible gift which I still think was amazing to this day.
Our relationship rolled on in the same vein as before. A reunion at Sidmouth once a year and two or three letters in-between with a birthday card and cheque from Max in December each year. in return I sent him every new CD release I was on.
Then one day Max made a bold suggestion. He asked me to do something for him. I’ll tell you about that next week.
Jo Freya’s Musings 